Eternal Savior or Capitalist Christ? by Michael Veremans

The snow is falling and the chestnuts are crackling. The holidays are coming up and I won't be in school. This break is an excellent idea because we can vacation and spend time with family. By the holidays I am, of course, being politically anal, this break entails Christmas, Kwanza, Chanukah, and whatever other holidays religious and social groups can make up in order to take the day off of work. I will center on Christmas because it is the most recognized in America and the most corrupted. Christmas is the capitalist paradise. It is the time of year when Jesus Christ represents materialism. The Christmas tree is decorated with expensive, flashy decorations, and lights that use up electricity in a state that has had a power crisis in the recent past. The house is decorated, inside and out, sparking consumers to buy for aesthetic purposes. Everything about Christmas is amazingly American.

I missed my point though, PRESENTS! Everyone loves to get presents, especially expensive ones, and it is on Christmas that you get the chance. Sometimes you have to buy something for someone else, but can usually buy a cheap present just to "show you care". Try to spend all the money you have though, because you will be able to sell the crappy gifts that you receive later on! Here are some gift ideas so that you can reinsert into the economy what the MAN expects of you and don't forget to buy American!

1. A good idea for a Christmas present is something funny. Comedic gifts can add levity to a Christmas Eve and add to the generally jovial attitude. The funniest thing I can think of is a book of "Bushisms". This is usually a small book with quotes from Herr President Bush that illuminate his intellect, and of course, provide humor. Some of the quotes you may find in one of these books is the epic statement, "There ought to be limits on freedom" or maybe his personal saying, " One Country, One People, One Will." This is a good present for both liberals who think Bush is an idiot, and conservatives who think he's an idiot.

2. Girls are ugly, that's why they need implants. It started up with breast implants, now you can get saline and silicone put almost anywhere in the body. Many people have received implants to fill out their posterior but I have news: hunchbacks are the new J-Lo booties! Forget the collagen lips and the big busts, what's showing up on MTV are girls with hunchbacks. All you have to do is have a saline pouch inserted under the skin of your upper back and everyone will give you a look as you go down the street. It's rumored that J-Lo may even pump some of the fat from her butt into her back just so stay on top of the fashion wave. Buy your loved one an implant today; it's not that expensive.

3. A senator is always a useful thing to have. You can receive tax breaks in your favor, acquire a "get out of jail free" card, and even pass go. A loved one would sure appreciate all of these super-citizen benefits that you can only get with a corrupt aristocratic government. It isn't that hard to buy a senator either, just wait till his or her re-election, donate liberally to the campaign, and maybe vote for them. If you have enough money you can buy the president too, but that's like paying the class dunce to do your homework.

4. Thought every important world figure has been adulterated? Wait until you see Gandhi brand jeans! These are the height of fashion and they have one of the most important civil rights activists and liberator of India supporting them. These jeans are particularly popular among the ultra-skinny people of Hollywood (they all appear to be trying to imitate Mahatma Gandhi with their fasting rituals). They're not shallow, they're supporting the liberation by buying from a major manufacturer. These jeans may be made by ten year-old Malaysian boys, but they're still fabulous. If you want to do it the Gandhi way, give these presents unwrapped, it'll show that you care about not wasting anything.

5. The old classic is still the old classic. What you gave to your mom in the third grade you can give to your mom in high school. Make a card yourself. Macaroni is cheap, you have glue in your house, some sparkle or ribbons, and a heart felt message in the middle that will express your love and appreciation on chilly Christmas Eve. Wait a second… this present would suck, who would want a cheap card with some sappy writing? You can't really do anything with a card except read it and maybe light it on fire later. If someone gives you a card, it means they don't care about you.

When you go haunt the market for last minute shopping, just remember these lovely items that will be sure to impress friends, family, loved ones, and perfect strangers to whom you want to suck up. Just keep the spirit of Christmas in your heart, let the young ones believe in Santa Clause and maybe see Elf in theaters. Just remember, Christmas isn't about gifts, it's about love… which is symbolized by gifts, so if you get someone a crappy gift it means you hate them! Buy more and be happy!