Spider Holes

by Nathan Kistler

The recent capture of Sadaam Hussein brings into sharp focus many questions about how he was able to avoid authorities for all this time. At the moment of his capture, he reportedly subsisted in what is called a spider hole: an incommodious, small and underground structure. Hussein had several thousand dollars on hand, which begs the question, "Why when one has so much money, would one reside in squalor and discomfort?" If one ever becomes an enemy of the United States, that person should think about the future and devote resources to building a luxurious spider hole, because they must consider that they may need to seek refuge there in the future. If I were Hussein, I would have built a vast and luxurious spider hole, particularly if I had an entire country's resources at my fingertips.

It was weeks or possibly months that Hussein resided in his spider hole, but the prospect of spending a longer time in one location, should have prompted him to invest in a large spider hole. If it were I designing a hidden underground abode, I would have definitely had high ceilings. They would be at least fifteen feet tall. This would help combat the claustrophobia. There would have to be seven rooms at least. Even though there would only be one inhabitant, I imagine people like Hussein would need a bit of room to roam. These rooms would have to be spacious to store supplies, such as a “weapons of mass destruction” cache.

The other necessary implements that would need to be installed in a spider hole would be reliable plumbing. Although most people hiding from American troops wouldn't think of it, if the water stopped running or the plumping backed up, it could be very dangerous, even deadly because the spider hole would be underground. If there is any backup in the spider hole, the inhabitant better head for high ground, or face a great deal of unpleasantness.

Naturally, the primitive underground hole would need the addition of an electrical system to be truly comfy. Ideally, it would be one that doesn’t short as soon as you turn on two appliances. To be prepared, it would be astute to have power lines from at least two power plants feeding the spider hole, due to the possibility that one might get destroyed in war.

One of the things a smart-thinking dictator would do is outfit a top-of-the-line computer with a T1 Internet connection, for ultra fast downloads, in his hideaway. By doing this, an outlaw could watch hilarious online flash movies, keep in touch with the online fan clubs he belongs to, or download and play Tetris. He could also manage his country or organization, while safely confined in comfort. Being online is practical in that one might have a link to the outside world. People like Hussein would be able to determine the locations of his pursuers through the news media and act accordingly, if he was online.