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PROM |
It’s that time of the year again, campers! Time to
polish your dad’s tuxedo shoes and refrigerate flowers! Time to meet
your date’s parents in your ritualistic adolescent attire!
This is the time of limousines, tradition and superficiality!
That’s right kids! It’s Prom! How exciting.
I just love this year’s theme, “Insert Lame Love
Song Here.” It brings back
memories. The assembly this
year was sub-par, which could be interpreted as meaning good, but don’t
interpret it that way. I am
not going to make too much fun of it because last year I had to plan the
prom assembly, so I know what a tough job it can be.
Basically, Emily Roberts’ job as Junior Class Governor was, to
quote myself, “parade the nominees for prom king and queen around like
circus freaks.” Lieutenant Governor Stryder Zalabak’s job was to be the
side show barker and say, “Come see Jo-Jo the dog-faced boy and watch as
he bites the head off of a chicken and sucks the blood from its quivering
body”. And then the crowd
cheers unenthusiastically. That
may not have been the exact turn of events, but it’s how I remember the
assembly.
When it’s time for me to cast my vote for king, it
will be for John Diaz because I don’t like the other candidates.
I will vote for Gemma Gaudio for queen because I find her the least
repulsive out of all the nominees. I
encourage all juniors and seniors to go to prom so that thirty years from
now they don’t regret not having gone.
That is why I am going.
I wish that I could discourage everyone who reads this article from
going to Prom, but I can’t. Only
the people who mindlessly follow traditions or have no future outside of
high school social life should go. Everyone
else should stay home in a dark room and pass the time by creating a
personal plot to bring down the social hierarchy of the school, starting
from the top. The most efficient way to destabilize a pyramid of stones is
to start taking some off the top. Everyone
knows that.
To everyone who thinks I am just being cynical: you are right. I see nothing positive in the prom experience. And to everyone who thinks that all I do is complain: you are right. I was the junior class governor last year and I was in charge of all prom activities. It was a terrible experience. I feel sorry for the situation that Emily Roberts is in. Don’t do drugs. The only safe sex is abstinence. Always wear your helmet when riding a bicycle. Don’t take candy from strangers. Wear reflective clothing when traveling at night. Ammonia is found in dog poop and cigarettes. Do not come to Prom intoxicated.