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Thou shall eat, drink, and be merry at Medieval Times |
If thou enjoy chicken, Pepsi (or beer), wenches, jousting, and close
combat with an assortment of medieval weapons, then thou shalt go to
Medieval Times! Medieval
Times is a great and entertaining place for any special occasion, and the
food is pretty good too. It
is a bit hard to explain if you have never been there.
Basically you call to order tickets in advance and get there an
hour earlier before the next show starts.
Find a parking space when you arrive and talk to an employee in
front of the “castle” where you check in.
You are given a paper crown (just like Burger King!), assigned a
color which represents your kingdom, and a picture is taken of you in a
king costume with the princess. Then
you have an hour until the next show starts.
Meanwhile, you can look at and even buy medieval weapons/armor or
visit the museum of medieval torture (yeah)!
When it’s almost show-time, you’ll hear trumpets and the
king will appear. He will
walk through the doors to the arena and his herald will tell you
everything (don’t scare the horses, you have allies, some story, etc...)
and you’ll soon enter the doors after some pointless and excessive
screaming. The real show will
start in about twenty minutes! After people find their seats, your serving
wench (waitress) will explain some more pointless nonsense to you and
you’ll hear a story from the speakers.
Then the king’s herald will talk, then the king will talk, and
then some bad knight will talk. The story and speech are of pretty good quality, but after
waiting for an hour and a half you’ll want to chow down and see some
blood shed! Too bad you have
to watch pretty horses dance around first.
Actually, it is pretty cool. Several
horses will come out (with trainers next to them and no riders) and
perform very strange tricks. This
involves strafing, a very pimp-like walk, a hopping trot, walking on their
rear legs (almost across the whole arena), and jumping several feet into
the air and doing a kick with their rear legs!
After that, the kingdoms will be introduced, or maybe it is before
the horses… Anyway, the green kingdom will be insulted and ridiculed,
being called lechers, thieves, and harlots.
After that the contest will finally begin.
A knight for each kingdom will do several contests measuring
their strength and skill. The
winner of the contests is not always the same, and the fights are
definitely staged. The
contests begin with the knights attempting to get rings over their lances
(jousting sticks), then they joust each other, and then they have long,
exaggerated fights. The
fights consist of using a variety of weapons (swords, spears, morning
stars, etc…), other blows like kicking, and a lot of rolls.
The knights roll so much that you’d swear that they were related
to Sonic the Hedgehog. Midway
through the contests, the king will talk to a magical old guy who will
sense a bad omen, and you will finally be served food!
After the contest is over, the bad knight that didn’t compete
will turn on the winner of the contest, and then a fight happens with the
bad knight and the runner up. The
bad knight will lose (what a surprise), he will be taken away to be
tortured (for several reasons), and then you leave.