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Ten Things That Scare Me. |
Hello children. My name is Benjamin Andrew
Lourey III, and I am a very scared, meek, and unusually callow person.
Below are ten things that scare me. Not the ten things that scare me most,
just ten things that scare me.
10.
Old people- Sure they may act like they don’t know what’s going on,
but they do. They just act crazy in order for their sucker children to
take care of them and their grandchildren to help them move a dresser or
something. The same goes with babies.
9.Chiropractors-
I haven’t ever been to one, but with good reason. I know this guy Joey,
and he knows this one guy Dan who said he went to a chiropractor and the
“doctor” brought him into this creepy white room with funny pictures
on the walls. He said that the chiropractor had beady eyes and smelled
like old bananas. Supposedly, the guy touched his neck and Dan
automatically passed out. Dan woke up on a fishing boat in Chile. His
wallet had been stolen and without ID, he has lived in northern Guatemala
ever since.
8.Beady
eyed people- Do I even have to explain? People with small eyes are creepy.
7.Many
churches- Why is something supposedly good and holy so gothic and creepy?
Unusually dreary singing, old men in white robes, and stale crackers make
for a spooky place. What a nightmare.
6.
Jerry Falwell- I am not religious. However I know it helps people who need
a crutch and most Christian groups and people are okay in my book. Jerry
Falwell however, is not okay with me. After the terrorist attack on
September 11, 2001, most religious groups and leaders set up benefits for
the help effort, and were for the most part sensible and helpful. Was
Jerry Falwell? No, of course not. He claimed that “God” is angry at
“the Pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and
the lesbians” he said,” I point the finger in their face and say
‘You helped this happen!’” What a psycho! This nut is as dangerous
as Osama bin Laden, and he is allowed to have his own show where he can
pass off this downright bigotry as “religious belief”. In my mind, he
is as bad as any terrorist, KKK member or Nazi.
5.xBLOODBATHx-
This hardcore/ metal straight edge band from Death Valley (of all places)
once crucified a life size Jesus dummy on to a huge cross at a show at the
PCH Club in Wilmington. The three singers butt kids faces with the
microphones, and the guitarists purposely hit people with their guitar
heads. I heard that once the drummer Doug stabbed a kid for looking at him
funny.
4.Carnies-Due
to editing, I have changed my number four to “carnies.” You know,
carnival folk… uncut fingernails, unkempt, greasy black hair. I have
found that most have beady eyes. From my description, some of you ignorant
people might think carnies are dumb. There is nothing that is further from
the truth; carnies are crafty, sneaky, canny people who can fool any one
alive.
3.
Politically extreme teachers who preach a lot- I have a liberal standpoint
on many things, but no, I am not just talking about conservative or
republican teachers. I feel that many high school kids do not yet have any
strong political beliefs and are easily “brainwashed” by a teacher who
always talks about how gay marriage is wrong and Jesus is the true lord,
or how G.W. Bush is an idiot and how the polar ice caps are going to drown
us all. I am not saying these teachers are wrong, just that it is dumb to
preach to a whole bunch of kids who are eating out of the palms of their
hands. Some kids at this school will automatically support any
political idea just because a teacher he or she respects said it. The idea
that some kids will believe anything a teacher says scares me because the
last thing we need is more kids who have never thought for themselves.
2.
Pete Rose- If you have ever seen him you know exactly what I am talking
about. This former baseball great has a face that only Kathy Lee Gifford
could love. Holy moly, whenever he is on ESPN I contract into fetal
position and proceed to shiver and squeal like a baby pig.
1.Bees-
Oh man, bees are terrifying. When I hear someone say the word bee I will
run for my life screaming in terror and soiling myself in pure shame. I
know some “tough guys” that’ll be like “Just stay still and it
won’t bother you.” Hello? They have stingers! Idiots. Well, anyway, I
once had a mailman that looked exactly like Seattle Mariner Jay Buhner.
One day he put something in my mailbox and then ran off suspiciously. I
went outside, opened the mailbox and not one, but two bees flew out. How
did they get in there you may ask? The mailman put them in there, that’s
who.
Well, now you know what scares me. I was planning on having “10 Things That I Like” published, but “bathing in the blood of goats” and “hairy men in cocktail dresses” was not quite appropriate for the school paper… Rats!
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