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April Editorial 2002 |
INS Reform
Ladies and gentlemen raise your glasses in a toast to bureaucracy and give thanks that we may be blessed with such speedy government workings. Applaud government efficiency in all matters, whether it be the Department of Motor Vehicles or the approval of student visas. Of course, I speak of the Immigration Naturalization Service’s release of its approval for some of the September 11 hijackers’ visas. Mohammed Atta and Marwan Al-Shehhi applied to update their visas from visitor to student status a year before the September 11 attacks. They were soon notified of the change in status and were thus allowed to continue their flight education. Curious, though, that the actual approval to change the men’s visas arrived only a few weeks ago. Where else but in America is it possible to find such excellent timing and competence? So I ask you please to praise your government and its representatives, on call 24 hours a month, seven days a year, safeguarding Americans and making sure no aliens enter the country without proper legal procedures. Those same officials blame the assuredly rare accident on obsolete technology.
But do not fear, for the incident has been hailed as a chance to “accelerate reforms;” rest assured, these reforms will most certainly accelerate slightly faster than the speed with which the approved visas arrived. In Washington, D.C. as you read, a common slug is hurriedly drafting and transporting reform legislation to Congress. But the good news does not stop there. In fact, by the end of the year a Congressionally funded electronic system will be operational that will be able to, you guessed it, electronically track student visas. In that way, the INS will be able to watch from its computer screens as terrorists plow airplanes through their next target.
After early reforms, the process to update visitor status to student status now takes only 30 to 60 days as opposed to the previous condition of up to a year under which Atta and Al-Shehhi were able to operate. America, breath a sigh of relief: we will now know in a period of thirty days whether or not any terrorists applying for student visas have been approved. The last thing we want is a terrorist staying in the country on an invalid visa. At least now the terrorists will be studying here legally, assuring the American people educated, well thought-out attacks.
Yet more comforting revelations come to light. In January 2001, after his visitor’s visa had expired but before his student visa had been approved, Atta left the country on a short trip to Spain. He soon returned, explaining to officials that his student visa’s status was pending. Needless to say Atta was allowed to reenter the country. INS commissioner James Zigler said, “the inspector handles so many cases he does not specifically remember what transpired with Atta.” The gates of Liberty swing open for anyone. “Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses” your riffraff and your terrorists. Do not fear being turned away or expelled at any time during your stay. Our INS officials will not recall any little detail of you, your application or any deadly diseases or weapons you may be carrying. They handle so many similar cases that none of them will remember you.
So America may at last relax. Any threat to national security has been quelled thanks to the well-oiled wheels of government. So next time you wonder if your government is doing anything, remember that somewhere in a dark room a snail is ever so rapidly preparing reforms that Americans might enjoy their most sacred freedoms. And next time you are stuck in a line at the DMV, do not complain; somebody probably threw salt on the floor.